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Retiring as a Veteran: Because Running From Explosions is for the Young

You know, I've been told that retirement is a serious subject. As if shuffling around in slippers and swapping war stories with grandkids wasn't hilariously entertaining. But you're a veteran, so your retirement will be anything but normal. We're talking sequins on a sequoia level of abnormal, my friends. So let's dive right into this.

1. Save, Save, Save: The Thrill of Watching Numbers Grow

Ah, saving money. So thrilling you might as well be defusing a bomb with nothing but a stick of gum and a one-liner. If your pulse doesn't quicken at the sight of compound interest, you should check if you're still breathing. As soon as you're done with that, consider this: if you save $10 every day starting from your first paycheck, you'll have enough to buy a small island by the time you retire. Or, more realistically, a sturdy recliner and a solid supply of bourbon. Choose wisely.

2. Thrift Savings Plan (TSP): The Exciting World of Acronyms

If you're a fan of TLA's (Three Letter Acronyms), you'll love the TSP (Thrift Savings Plan). TSPs are essentially the military's version of a 401(k), except with even more red tape. How exciting! Dive into the paperwork like it's an enemy bunker. You can get a tax break now (traditional TSP), or get tax-free withdrawals later (Roth TSP). Either way, Uncle Sam is reaching into your pocket. It's just a question of when.

3. The Military Retirement System: A Friendly Minefield

Welcome to the glorious labyrinth that is the military retirement system. With multiple types of retirement benefits depending on when you served, it's like playing a game of Minesweeper – you never know what you'll get. Except with this, instead of mines, you're dealing with bureaucracy. And we all know how fun that can be!

4. VA Benefits: More Than Just Free Band-aids

The VA (Veterans Affairs) is like your grumpy aunt who always shows up at Christmas. You might not always enjoy the interaction, but sometimes she gives you great gifts. Dental care? Sure. Free education? Why not. Housing assistance? Absolutely. Like the hidden goodies in a MRE, you never know what you might find until you dig in. Don't be shy, give Auntie VA a call.

5. Healthcare: Because You're Not as Young as You Used to Be

As an invincible young soldier, healthcare was probably the least of your concerns. But now that you're older and "wiser," you need to deal with the fun stuff like random aches and pains, and not being able to read a menu without glasses. Thankfully, you've got Tricare – your all-in-one solution to escalating healthcare costs and ever-complicated medical jargon.

6. And Lastly, Don't Forget to Actually Retire

After years of waking up at 0500, taking orders, and always being ready to jump into action, actual retirement might feel a bit like a demotion. But don't worry, the best part of retirement is finding new ways to pump your adrenaline. Skydiving? Tango lessons? Learning how to knit dangerous weapons? The sky's the limit!

In all seriousness, planning for retirement as a veteran can be an overwhelming task with a lot of moving parts. But with a good dose of humor and a dash of sarcasm, the journey can be just as enjoyable as the destination. Here's to a future filled with comfy slippers, grand war stories, and retirement as exciting as your service. Good luck, soldier.

7. The Great Pension Mystery: Expect the Unexpected

Pensions are the Bigfoot of the retirement world. You've heard tales of their existence but are unsure if they're real. Rest assured, veterans, they're very real. After 20 years of service, you're entitled to monthly pension checks. How much, you ask? Well, that's the fun part - you'll never know until it's time. It's like a surprise party you didn't want, but here it is, so let's celebrate!

8. Post-Military Employment: Because Retirement is for Losers

You're a military veteran. The words "couch" and "potato" are not in your dictionary. Unless, of course, they're followed by "tactical assault" and "grenade." Just because you've retired from active service doesn't mean you'll stop working. Whether you become a private security consultant, a high school teacher, or a barista that can froth milk into a foam eagle, your options are limitless. So go ahead, keep those working boots on. Just make sure they match your Hawaiian shirt.

9. SGLI to VGLI: The Alphabet Soup of Life Insurance

Servicemembers' Group Life Insurance (SGLI) might sound like the secret password to a shadowy, undercover organization, but it's just life insurance. Once you're out of the service, you can convert your SGLI to Veterans' Group Life Insurance (VGLI). While this might sound like an upgrade, don't be fooled, it's the same thing, only more expensive. Who said retirement wouldn't be exciting?

10. Retirement Locations: From Military Base to Beach House

Choosing a place to retire can be an exciting adventure. Should you go for a cabin in the mountains, a condo on the beach, or a quiet suburban house with a white picket fence? The possibilities are as endless as the types of MREs. And remember, always go for a location that matches your personality. For example, if you've spent years in desert climates, maybe skip the beach house and go for something a little cooler.

11. And Finally, Retirement Hobbies: Skydiving with Knitting Needles, Anyone?

As a veteran, you've developed skills that most people can't even imagine. But there's a whole world of non-combat-related hobbies out there that are just waiting to be explored. Skydiving, sailing, golfing, painting, knitting – the world is your oyster! Or in this case, your knitting yarn. But hey, who says you can't skydive while knitting? It's your retirement – make it interesting!

Remember, planning for retirement is a marathon, not a sprint. Unless it's a sprint marathon with bureaucratic hurdles and financial pit traps. But don't worry, you've got this. You've faced bigger challenges in your service; this is just another mission. Approach it with the same tenacity, strength, and humor, and you'll be sipping margaritas on the beach in no time. Happy planning, veterans!

Image provided by John Heintzelman using software (2023).

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